Hey guys. I'm Bob #6, the Manspeak voice of the week, here to help you sort through all the confusing mixed messages, odd behavior, and generally perplexing paraphernalia that is Internet dating. Take that all-important First Meet, for example, so significant that I've capitalized it. First meets are scary, exhilarating, and often disappointing. In fact, you might want to come off as if you're hardly trying.

I need to warn you, though. I've got a twisted sense of humor and I don't enjoy being told what to do. So, instead of giving you pointers on how to impress the woman, I'm laying it on the line here and telling you how you can make her turn and run for her Toyota. So, stick to that No Expectations clause in your Internet dating contract and stick it to her at the same time.

Use 'Em and Lose 'Em: 10 First Meet Turn-offs

1. Be late, really late. Don't call.

2. Look like the 20-years-later version of your profile photo.

3. Wear any of these: white sneakers that make her blink in wonder, a waist pack, baggy crack-revealing jeans, a sweater with secret unidentifiable stains, or simply wear a little spinach on your front tooth.

4. Start blabbing about all your other meets, dates, and your "kid in the candy store" Internet dating attitude.

5. Study the menu as if you're savouring the language used to describe the chicken pot pie. Be more into your food or drink than into your date. Better still, get drunk.

6. Sit. Stare. You're a mystery. There really is something between those ears you own but you're keepin' it to yourself.

7. Demonstrate the true meaning of "lack of affect" as it's described in the mental health field by showing your "no enthusiasm" side.

8. Get into heavy issues, say, how your divorce crippled you financially, your appreciation of Internet porno sites, and how that fostered distance between you and your ex, or the story of your son on suicide watch.

9. Admit you watch a lot of television and don't do much else with your free time.

10. In the end, opt for the "deadly handshake" as proof of just how warm and wonderful a partner you'd be in a full blown relationship.